mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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