i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Come on in and take your pants off
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