someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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