I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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