so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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