Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
