Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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