I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize