____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
