I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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