apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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