the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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