The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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