There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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