Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
