She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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