i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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