Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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