Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
