I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
