I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
