I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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