Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
