Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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