You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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