hotel room ftw
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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