i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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