I cockslap morals
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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