cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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