Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
