just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
