He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
