im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
