Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Someone signed my nipple.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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