I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
