We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize