well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize