bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
