It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i love accidental penises.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
