Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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