u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
