Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
