I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
