I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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