You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
why do cheetos always look like penises
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Is Oprah even human
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
