She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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