Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
