Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
