I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
