dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
as a side note pls kill me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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