I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
