im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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