put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize