Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
