so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
