You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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