What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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