i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
