when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
