Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize