i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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