I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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