The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
