my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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